Totally Not Fake News: the end of the beginning

HOUSTON, TX – Last weekend, the NFL wrapped up its preseason, the first since 2019. League teams are now embarking on the longest regular season in the super bowl era, preparing for a 17-game regular season with the ability for teams to play up to 20 games in total (3 postseason games). There’s a lot to look forward to as the 2021 NFL regular season dawns.

Still, for the Houston Texans, there isn’t so much a sense of anticipation, but rather a sense of regret and lost opportunities. The team ended their last preseason game in a clash with the reigning Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The first home game of the new league season, the team fought valiantly, but it was not enough, losing 23-16 for their first L of the preseason. The post-game reactions were pretty grim.

“We blew it up, man!” lamented an anonymous player. “We were fortunate to win the NFL preseason championship. Our first under the divine vision of The Easterby. We got it !!! We as well [Easterby] to see her!!! It was all part of the master plan of the Most Reverend Brain-trust. It was on the way to glory !!!! ”

“Was there a master plan for the preseason?” Asked our reporter.

“Yes. Everything was ordered by the most revered, revealed at the top of the high desks of NRG Stadium and exalted by the prophets Caserio and Culley. We had reduced it to a tablet, 4 ordered goals.

When asked what it looked like, the player objected, “Hey, there’s a line you don’t cross. Only the most revered and the purest can enter the part of NRG where the divine plan is held. Only the purified and ordained dare to enter the holiest of saints, the vault where the divine tablet resides. They alone can see and study the divine plan.

Some of our reporters interpreted this as an “accepted challenge” by Texans. They discovered where in NRG the divine tablet plan resided. They had the film crews ready to reveal this master plan… it didn’t go well.

In the midst of filing a flurry of new vacancies to replace this rather unexpected loss of our staff, we have taken up some aspects of the Most Divine 4-Point Plan for Texans:

1) Win the state

2) Win the preseason

4) Profit

After intensive study, calling on some of the most prestigious Christian seminaries, Talmud scholars and Islamic imams, who hung up on us all, told us to get out and / or called out to our remaining field reporters with giant religious tomes, we do not have This is a fairly clear answer on the true divine message of the most divine 4 point plan. Then luckily we turned to that bastion of truth and unbiased opinion: the comments section of Twitter. Consensus :

You are losers.

You are a combination of libratards / dumb-as-[Easterby] Conser-duh-tives

You can only fly South Park in your scan.

“Ah, that’s what the unclean pagans would have you believe,” noted a sidekick at Divine Easterby during our follow-up. “We are aware of the despicable and unholy South Park, and they had a 3-step plan. Ours is the real and correct 4-step plan.

“But what is the 3^rd step? ”we asked.

“There are only 4 stages in the Divine plan:

• Step 1, Win the State
• Step 2: Win the preseason
• Step 4: Enjoy ”

This circular argument went on for hours, until our employee gave up.

Yet while others debate the religious implications of the Most Divine 4-Point Plan, there were more immediate ramifications for the list.

“Oh man, Nick didn’t appreciate the failure to win the preseason championship too much. All that moves, done with the championship goal in mind… oh, was he ever mad !!” noted another unnamed staff member.

His response came quickly with the immediate purge of the offseason’s biggest business acquisition: Shaq Lawson. Introduced as part of the McKinney trade, he expected to be the centerpiece of the Texans’ pass race for the season ahead. Yet after not registering any pressure on any of his preseason snaps, Caserio quickly dispatched it for another 6^e round pickaxe. Miami, deciding they haven’t trolled the Texans enough, cuts McKinney 24 hours later.

Suite staff member said “Yeah, everyone’s talking about the 1^st rounders / etc. But we all know that the real GOATs are found in the lower towers, with the GOATs of the GOATs found in the 6^e. This most revered and perfect QB, Tom Br (STOP IT !!! STOP IT !!). ”

“Oh that’s right, you’ve got a hookup about the man, the myth, New England legend Tom Brad (STOP IT !!! STOP IT NOW !!!).”

“Anyway, there is a great opportunity in the 6^e tower. However, you have to be careful with the numbers. As long as we have less or more than 3, but not exactly 3 6^e round peaks, our divine aura for glory will be safe.

As for those still on the squad, there was the double sadness of missing any championship loot and the potential fear of losing a place in the roster as the team had to purge people before Tuesday.

“I’m fine. Even though I didn’t play a snap in the preseason championship game, I know the team can’t afford to lose their best one-wing quarterback,” Jeff noted. Driskel. Yet that optimism might have been misplaced, as Culley later noted when asked about him “Jeff, who? Oh, the sacrificial lamb… eh, barely knew him. Then again.” , Driskel could have been on to something as he will return to the practice squad Will the squad go to the single wing?

“Dude, I was really hoping for that awesome new Championship T-shirt they were talking about. It would have been so cool to wear this around the house,” Davis Mills observed. “Alas, I’ll just have to wear the team gear. boring I had to attend preseason games I wonder what happened to the equipment?

While at Totally Not Fake News we didn’t have an immediate response, we have our suspicions. The usual story is that such equipment is either destroyed or shipped to another part of the globe. We have unconfirmed information that one of these boxes arrived in Nepal, where the shirts were immediately used, mainly for cleaning the increasing amounts of debris on the mountains . Better not confirm it for Davis, lest it upset him too much.

With that, the preseason is over and the team is still moving forward into the next NFL season, hoping to put the disappointment of not having achieved any of their stated goals, but still on their way to the next. still present, the most important step… Step 4: Enjoy !!! Or, if it’s not, then maybe one or two regular season wins.