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HOUSTON, TX – The NFL’s “dead zone” continues. The training camps are still a few weeks away and the world of sport, between the resumption of flagship events of 2020, such as the European Championships (although, now that the The Belgian Red Devils are out of the draw, we expect the odds to drop with a certainty similar to that of Cal McNair) and the Summer Olympics (which may not yet turn into a COVID Dumpster Fire-Super Spreader), the NBA Finals (where the Phoenix Suns appear to be in good position with their experienced leaderwho can this town remember or not when he adapted for them for a spell) and baseball (even if the sport goes through the trash and Spider Tack withdrawal), is inundated with many non-football events. Given the dearth of football activities, the extra-curricular activities of some of its stars will make the headlines.
Normally, most organizations would love to grab headlines as this portends increased social media attention and mentions. Most teams. For the Houston Texans, well, not exactly …
“Thank [Easterby]!!! Between the 4e July and the NFL dead zone, I so need a break from the madness that has been 2021. I know most people think of 2020 as the year of hell, but you’re talking with l ‘one of the staff who hasn’t quit, gone crazy or threw themselves off the roof of NRG Stadium, and it’s just good that we’re NOT all the rage on social media, â€one exclaimed. anonymous staff member.
“Just think about what happened with this team? When it is universally considered that the best moment of the year was the last game of the previous season, which we lost to the inbred idiots in our typical and stupidly entertaining way of finishing 4-12 … you know it’s all simple EUBAR / SNAEU *… I can’t take the headlines anymore. Everything we have done, and I mean everything, since then has been a nightmare for all of us. ”
“I … I … I … can’t take it anymore !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cried another member of the public relations department. “I just can’t make up another ‘feel-good story’ about another Joe-Schmo linebacker / running back who was once on an NFL roster for a hot minute and the team signed in order to improve the charac … [loud, long retching noise…forcing us to leave the room for 5 minutes]”
After a half hour break, where said member of staff used 4 fragrant sachets of salt and 2 cups full of Easterby cleanser (which to our knowledge is a blend of lemon juice, Southern Comfort, vodka Russian house (or engine degreaser) and bleach **), maintenance resumed.
“My God, I needed it so badly. Some people in the office have up to five people for breakfast. Yes, all of these free agents, and hardly anyone knows or cares. Then you have all this loss of Watt, which killed our social media trending strategy. Mix it up with the starting quarterback from last season … yeah, wait [immediately chugs some sort of clear, alcohol-smelling type liquid, which could be anything from Everclear to hydrochloric acid]… .WHHHOOOOOOO !!!!! Yeah, and don’t get me started on the ‘Kyle’ presser display… I just can’t.
When we questioned whether the team was considering some kind of mental, psychological, or spiritual help, noting that in the COVID era the focus was more on mental and psychological help from workers, the CEO and Texan figurehead Cal McNair had this to offer:
“We believe we have the best and strongest organization when it comes to spiritual and mental health. Yes, there have been quite a few stressful times for this team, but as I said in previous statements, employees, like fans, need to trust us, the smartest, smartest people in the world. the team, know what we are. to do, and it’s in the best interest of the Easterby, uh, the organization … I have to work on that last part … Anyway, we have a solid spiritual base, so for All those whose faith in Texans wavers, we have a special “heartwarming†ceremony to strengthen the resolve of our employees.
“When it comes to mental health and breaks, why, we have some of the best entertainment in the business. For example, we have the last installment of “Building the Texansâ€. Just take a see. ”
[Immediately after this started showing on all the monitors at the Texans facilities, five employees made a beeline for the windows, frantically opening them and jumping over the threshold…even at the highest levels of the office. We also received word that the custodial staff is protesting, as they can’t keep cleaning/disinfecting agents on hand in sufficient quantities for post ‘morale-boosting’ events. Whether it is for excessive clean-up, or that the various staffers are purloining the liquid for their own personal consumption, we are not sure.]
Perhaps all of the turmoil is behind the current dearth of key, seemingly relevant Texas football news. “Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yes, we had big plans for the 20e anniversary of the franchise, but given what happened this offseason, and we just can’t close our team page with a slide saying “See you later in 2022”, we figured we would just post highlights of the Texans beaten on lower teams to show some of his best moments, â€noted a team manager who did not give his name, but whose profile looked a lot like a new team president.
Until then, the team will continue to follow the highlights of the past, ignoring any mentions of the greatest players who no longer play for the team or who are in a bit of legal limbo. This may be anathema to the modern media world, but for the staff of Texans, no news is good news. Is it going to stay that way before training camp? Stay tuned.
* Easterby-ed Up Beyond Recognition / Normal Situation, All Easterby-ed Up
** This should go without saying (seriously), but after the events of the last year, it’s actually NOT a good idea to ingest bleach directly. Contrary to what some people say, it will not really help you relieve any medical condition (physical, mental, psychological).
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